To sleep, perchance to stop obsessing...

Current biggest obsession: Scrubs (TV show)


I have had raging insomnia since I was about 14, possibly longer and I suspect that unless something drastically changes in my mind - I'm never going to be rid of it. It's like a stalker, constantly mocking me and shaking it's head as if to say 'If you didn't like me, you could get rid of me any time you want' - sort of like a crazy ex-boyfriend (don't worry, that never happened...or perhaps it did and I'm just too tired to remember).

I did briefly find a cure, my OCD medication makes me flake out - I don't so much as fall asleep as pass out - but due to the other meds I have had to take for my pain recently, I have had to come off my OCD medication. As a brief aside, I had completely forgotten how bad my OCD is until I came off the meds. How I had laughed at what I considered my silliness when I went onto the meds - now the checking, the constant worrying and the downright scary handwashing is back with a vengence.

Anyway, a few nights ago I spent most of the night staring at the TV, begging my mind to let my body sleep - sort of like a hostage situation. Parts of my body were saying:

Body: 'Please, we beg you, we'll do anything you want...'
Brain: 'Reeheally?' (Sort of a cross between Jim Carrey and Dr Cox from Scrubs)
Body 'Anything! Just let us rest!'
Brain: 'Even though you are sore, you'll still wash hands everytime I have a random worry??'
Body 'Erm...I guess so, the hands are pretty sore though...'
Brain: 'Silence!! I will have no quarrel! Do you accept the terms?'

Even though that isn't an entirely real scenario it wouldn't have helped even if my body agreed as my brain was in full party mode. I tried everything get some rest - trying to remember all of the cast of The Bill in the early days (I just want to point out that this was a dangerous move as the last time I did this I spent the night not being able to sleep and two days trying to remember the name of the geordie lady - it was Liz Wroughton), trying to count sheep - nothing helped. All that happened was that my brain alternated between singing 'Take me ridin' in my car car, take me ridin' in my car car' from the recent Audi car advert and a snippet of Scrubs that showed J.D and Turk singing 'A surgeon and a doc above it all' on a fire escape. All. Night.

I've done everything over the years to encourage sleep - lavender on my pillow, no caffiene ever, relaxation tapes. Incidentally, the last time I did a relaxation tape I was in a flat where my bed was right near the window with no headboard and right at the moment where the lady said 'Relax your head' I brought my head back to the pillow and rubbed the curtain resulting in the curtain rail falling and hitting me square in the face. That's perhaps a poor reason to abandon the tapes but I just got to thinking that perhaps relaxation tapes are just not for me.

I can't relax, it's just something I don't know how to do - I'm constantly fraught with one worry or another. When I smoked I spent most of my time worrying that if I stubbed out a cigarette and put it in the bin like a good citizen that the cigarette would spark back into life and would ignite an aerosol in the bin causing the bin to blow up as a pregnant lady with a pushchair with quadruplets walked by and I'd be responsible for their demise. Believe me, there's no surefire way to quit smoking than to have OCD. The above scenario never happened but it was certainly enough to make me worry incessantly.

People have asked me to try acupuncture for my insomnia. Now, I try not to be cynical about things, too much, but I just can't see how needles in my face etc can make me sleep. Unless I have a sort of reset button like you see at the back of some MP3 players to switch me into 'safe mode' or to reboot me entirely. Surely that wouldn't be good, like a phone when you restore factory settings, would I forget peoples contact info or memories that I have enjoyed?? Even if the acupuncture did work I would just worry that there would be a needle hole that would remain open and that some sort of infection would finish me off and that worry would probably keep me awake anyway.

I wouldn't care but when I do sleep, my dreams are totally kickass at times. Except for the zombie dreams - I am a huge zombie fan and this has led to some pretty interesting but terrifying dreams over the years. Freud apparently claimed that dreams are wish fulfilment - if that's true I am one sick little puppy. I'm fairly sure that I don't want to be devoured by a zombie, or anything else for that matter.

Perhaps one day my insomnia will go away or I will become more relaxed. In the meantime I'm going to avoid any catchy tv tunes and Scrubs...nah, cancel that last thought... :)