Today was another example of bus passenger conversation that completely threw me. I had to go to the hospital this morning as I was given a set of tests last week and I was told to provide a urine sample. To cut a long story short I messed up the test and, for reasons that will remain undisclosed due to not wanting to get into the ickyness of the situation, I had to return to the hospital to pick up another sample bottle. My OCD has led to extreme agoraphobia over the past few months and on several occasions, going out of the house and even to the hospital has led to panic attacks. Today I was incredibly shaky but I just about coped. Anyway, I was riding along on the bus, attempting to go home when I decided that I would get off at another stop past my flat and then get a bus back - don't ask, there was a logic there but it's probably not worth analysis. Just as I passed the flat an elderly gentleman in the seat in front of me suddenly spun around and said loudly 'I used to live round here you know'. I didn't quite hear him at first as I was wearing headphones and trying to calm down so I took them off and said 'Sorry?' and he repeated himself 'I used to live up there' he said, pointing to the bus window but not in any direction that I could really attribute to a particular location 'Have you heard of *
Admittedly this isn't the most extreme bus incident that I have been involved in, there have been numerous other bus encounters both good and bad, but it made me think of some of the things that have happened.
Perhaps these things have occurred because of the frequency with which I travel on public transport or maybe I am just a magnet for bus weirdness but you'd think I would be used to it by now. The bus service in Edinburgh is excellent, better than I have experienced anywhere else, the buses are warm, comfortable, reasonably priced and generally on time (prior to the closing of Princes Street and the subsequent tram network building works anyway - but that's a whole different conversation for another day). As anyone who lives in Edinburgh knows, it seems much easier to get around Edinburgh on the buses than by car.
Now, I wouldn't consider myself the most unsociable person in the world but as I'm sure that anyone who knows me would probably tell you that I am utterly inept when it comes to small talk. I don't know what it is but I just can't manage small talk with strangers, I can happily talk to people about anything as if I have known them for years but ask me to have a conversation about the weather and I end up nervously talking about something wholly inappropriate like sex and then I feel embarrassed but can't stop talking. It's not a pretty sight, my burbling nervously away. I also noticed another horrible trait I have when attempting to be polite - I can't seem to control my facial expressions properly. Yesterday on a bus (again!) a little dog was on the bus and was sniffing at my legs inquisitively and the dogs owner said 'Don't worry, she's ok' and I replied 'She's just trying to be friendly' and I smiled but as I caught sight of myself in the reflection in the bus window I looked like a clown attempting to go to the loo! My smile was sort of forced and wonky because I was nervous but I must have looked positively maniacal! I got off the bus shortly afterwards as I was so embarrassed.
I've spent a lot of time on buses over the years, my Dad is a bus driver and I think that my enjoyment of travelling on buses must be in my genes. I love just sitting there watching the scenery go by, perhaps that's one of the reasons on a long list why I have never learned to drive. Anyway, I digress...
Travelling on buses a lot has led to several incidents that I have never forgotten for various reasons and some people I know may have heard about these incidents.
While on an Edinburgh bus I got on and noticed that the bus was crowded but there was one seat facing backwards in front of a rather sleepy looking elderly gentleman. There were people standing in the aisles which should have been an indication to avoid the man but I thought 'how bad can it be?' and I seated myself in front of the man. Within seconds of the bus setting off the man raised his head and bellowed 'MMMMoooooonnn Riiiiivvveerrr!!!!' and proceeded to sing 'Moon River' interspersed with him tapping my leg and yelling 'Come on blondie!!! Sing up!!!'.
I wanted to say no, I wanted to pretend that I hadn't heard him but he continued to yell at me so I ended up loudly singing 'Moon River' and 'Oh Danny Boy' with the man, facing the entire rest of the bewildered bus passengers. I really wanted to get off the bus but I had heavy bags and all I wanted to do was go home so I effectively performed several musical numbers to a busful of people coerced by a random drunken man! Oh the shame!
A few years ago I had been on an all night drinking session with a few mates and I stayed at one of those mate's house. I staggered out of their house at around 9am the next morning having had no sleep at all and for some reason I decided that I wanted to go do a bit of shopping in Princes Street before I went home. After wandering around like a zombie for a few hours I decided that I needed my bed so I caught the bus. Now the only reason I am setting the scene in this way is because I want you to know what state I was in when this occurred. It was summer and it was warm on the bus and it had become infested with flies and wasps. One of the wasps flew to the back of the bus and was zzzing around madly. People were shuffling around and trying to avoid getting stung when this guy stepped forward, took a piece of paper out of his pockets and unceremoniously squished the wasp. A girl cried in horror 'oh, you didnae have to kill it!' at which point the man turned around and on a hugely crowded bus said 'I like killing things'. There was a sort of stunned silence before a guy at the back said 'ooookkkaaayyyy'. The man then asked the passenger next to him the following horrifying question 'Have you ever killed a rat?' and he proceeded to explain how to kill a rat, he moved on to explaining how other animals can be killed and I hurriedly got off the bus in fear. Now, maybe he was just joking or perhaps he was a professional pest controller but I wasn't sticking around to find out. Most of the other bus passengers followed suit and perhaps that was his motive for saying it, it was a crowded bus after all. It was sort of simultaneously horrifying and comedic.
Years ago, while waiting for a bus with my boyfriend at the time an elderly gentleman shuffled up to me and said 'Can you put your hand in my pocket love?'. I must have stared at the guy with astonishment for quite a few seconds as he repeated himself and I ended up replying 'What for?!?'. It turned out that his bus pass was in his back pocket (thankfully not his front pockets although I'm not sure that it made it any better a request!) and he had arthritis in his hands so couldn't retrieve it. Don't get me wrong, it is a perfectly reasonable request and I am always happy to help people but what sort of opening line to a stranger is 'Can you put your hand in my pocket love?'?!?! I retrieved said bus pass and he wandered off leaving my boyfriend at the time howling with laughter and me pondering how he got it in there in the first place...
Ok, I suppose strictly speaking that was a 'waiting for a bus' story rather than a 'bus story' so onto the next one.
Many years ago when I was thinner and much younger I had just had my hair permed and was wearing a vibrant red dress and feeling quite good about myself, an elderly gentleman on the bus leaned over to me and asked the time. I gave him the time and he said 'do you know that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen?'. Judging by the vodka he was swigging and the fact that it didn't look like his first drink of the day, I took the comment with a pinch of salt. I thanked him but he kept insisting that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and we almost got into a fight as I disagreed. I suppose to be fair, as I didn't know him, I didn't have any previous experience of the women he had seen throughout his life so possibly I was a bit hasty in challenging his view but I'm not exactly Angelina Jolie. So rigid was he in his opinion that I had to get off the bus several stops earlier than I had planned only to find that he followed me to the supermarket I was going to. Thankfully I managed to shake him off before things got out of hand. I'm sure he just wanted me to believe him and I know that it was a lovely compliment but it was also quite a scary experience.
Now I don't want you to think that it's just Edinburgh, I was on a train in New York and a magazine hit me on the head from the rack above. A girl started talking to me, asking me if I was ok when this man further down the train yelled that it was my fault that I was hit on the head by the magazine. I don't know how that was even possible as I hadn't put the magazine in the overhead rack but apparently it was my fault!
Admittedly my bus experiences have generally been in Edinburgh. After a guy on the bus said 'Isn't this snow awful?' I agreed and we were talking about snow in general when this other guy leaned over and angrily said 'Snow! This is nothing! In Canada the snow was up to my neck!' and I said 'Oh it's never been that bad here' and he said 'Well think yourself lucky! You don't know the meaning of the word snow!!' before turning away in disgust. It wasn't a competition! It wasn't even a conversation I was having with him, it was just general British weather chatter. Like I said, I'm not good at small talk.
Another time, while sat on a bus in a traffic jam, a drunken guy was sat in front of me and he kept looking at me and saying 'you alright?' repeatedly to me and each time I said 'yes' he continued in the same tone but when I didn't reply he started shouting it at me until I replied so I moved seats. In the new seat I was accompanied by another guy who said 'That's a wee shame, being shouted at like that, young girl like you, shouldnae have to put up with that'. I politely thanked the man and he asked me if I lived in Edinburgh, I said yes and he asked me if I was married. At the time I wasn't and said so and he asked me if I owned my flat. When I said no he said 'There's a way you could get a house y'know'. By this time you'd have thought I would be used to this but I still said 'How do you mean?' and he said 'Get yourself pregnant, that'd do it. I've got a friend who could get you pregnant if you like?'. Seriously, he asked me if I had thought of it as an option and I said 'Erm, no thank you' and he said 'Oh well if you don't want my advice then!' and turned away! I mean, what can you do! The bus was in a massive traffic jam and there was nowhere for me to escape but back to the 'you alright?' man seat!
The strange thing is, I just want to underline the fact that all of these happened during daylight hours! I dread to think what it's like at night on the buses!
So to all the bus drivers who must experience a lot more than I see, I salute you. If you've had to cope with the superset of my bus experiences, you must have so much patience and a sense of humour! And to the bus driver who said a few months ago 'I could write a book about the mad things that happen on here!', please do, if nothing else it will be cathartic!
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